A magnetic personality

In supermarkets these days, it’s difficult to find places to park yourself and your trolley while your partner gets the goods off the shelves. There used to be suitable regions around the ends of aisles, next to the side panels of the aisle-end displays, but these have lately been commandeered for temporary cardboard stands or grab-boxes. So I have pioneered a new technique: look for products that you’d think wouldn’t sell in a million years, and stand next to them. But beware – you may be surprised at what happens next. . .  (For innocent readers, a BOGOF is an offer to Buy One, Get One Free.)

It’s motorway madness in Tesco’s,
And Sainsbury’s isn’t much kinder:
If Maureen and I become parted,
It takes half an hour to find her.

So I keep my eyes open for places
I can stop and keep out of the flow,
While the rest of the shoppers race past me
To pick up the BOGOFs on show.

I had thought that a good place to loiter
Would be next to the stuff no-one’s buying:
Quorn sausages, turnips, green lentils,
Or kangaroo cutlets for frying.

But how wrong can you get? Well, I’ll tell you.
As soon as I stop, there’s a rush
To snap up the aforementioned items,
And I’m battered and bruised in the crush.

Wherever I park, it’s the same.
What hasn’t been selling for years
Is suddenly just what folk need –
A godsend, or so it appears.

It seems that I’m strangely attractive;
Perhaps I should change my career
To make use of my magnetic nature . . .
Wait! I’ve just had a super idea:

I’ll hire out my body to Tesco’s –
It could earn me some cash, I feel sure.
They’d just stand me where sales look like flagging,
And wait for their profits to soar!

[Photo: The Guardian]
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