The Santa test

A little consumer advice for little consumers.

There are too many Santas in Sussex;
Only one is the real one, I’m sure.
Wherever you go, you’re invited
To “Come and see Santa instore”

I thought I would call Trading Standards
And ask them to sort out the mess,
But it’s probably not in their remit
To deal with a Saintly excess.

So instead, I suggest that all children
Should memorise this little motto:
“To discover the real Father Christmas,
Go check out the smells in his grotto”.

If he stinks of fresh soap and deodorant,
And his boots reek of polish, I’d bet
He’s a stand-in, a Santa-clone copy,
The closest the shop folk could get.

But if there’s a hint of warm reindeer,
And his clothes have a slight sooty pong,
And he greets you by name when you meet him,
Then you won’t go so very far wrong.

I am certain the real one’s in Horsham,
But as I’m much too old to find out,
I write hoping Horsham’s fine children
Will dispel any lingering doubt.

If you sniff him out, write to the paper –
Do it now, do not waver or pause –
“Dear Sir,” you should say, “We’ve discovered,
In Horsham, the real Santa Claus!”

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